


I Lost Myself Again (But I Remember You)

by greasydenbrough



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Fluff and Angst, Gay Keith (Voltron), I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Tags to be added, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but comments make my heart nut, i wrote this in five hours and then edited with my boy kay the next day, this is COMPLETED IT WAS ONLY A ONESHOT THAT I DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE A SEQUAL TO
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-26 19:16:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12065328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greasydenbrough/pseuds/greasydenbrough
Summary: “Hey, Keith,” Lance closed the door behind him with ease, and sat on the end of Keith’s bed. “How do you feel? Do you need some water?” Lance offered Keith, which made Keith nod in response.“I feel like I’ll regret every choice I've ever made when I wake up.”





	I Lost Myself Again (But I Remember You)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SmolTownFangirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmolTownFangirl/gifts).



> i listened to six feet under by billie eilish the entire time i wrote this and that explains a lot

 

Keith liked to keep his life blurry. He blurred out all the bad parts about his life, and sometimes, it meshed with the good. For him, it was easier to forget, than to remember the good and bad so vividly. The therapists said his ways of “coping” were going to lead to him further damaging his mental health, but Keith didn’t care. Blurring out what happened when he was younger, and what happened at any given point in his life, had been only helpful to the first sixteen years of his life. Then, oh then, he met him. Lance McClain.

Keith tried to forget all about Lance when they’d first met. His original plan was to go through his French class without worrying, then forget about his partner for the projects right after they’d finished. But, with Keith’s god damn luck, he couldn’t ignore the memory of Lance McClain. It wasn’t something he was able to forget later that day, whether it was due to some substance your school tells you not to take, or shutting him out, but overall it was causing Keith problems.

The man who was causing Keith so much of a problem, Lance, was a man of many talents, but French was definitely not one of them. Keith couldn’t get mad at him for being almost ridiculously horrible at it, because he already knew two languages. It was almost _cute_ to see him failing at pronouncing the alphabet, never mind something like “grenouille”.

But this was slowly causing problems for Keith. The only constant Keith had allowed was Shiro, who he’s been living with since he was 14. Shiro was only 17 when Keith moved in with him, but he knew Shiro had been through things -- things he wouldn’t want to imagine, and was aware what he was getting into when he said he would be able to keep Keith, a troubled, moody, teen with anger issues in his apartment. Keith would be forever thankful for, but that was his constant in life. His apartment with Shiro, and his presence alone were the only things Keith wanted to remember.

Lance’s presence in Keith’s life did not seem to leave. First, there was the French assignment that took up half a year, next there was the entire “Ronald Weasley Incident” in their English class, then they both were on the same football team, and Keith had officially decided the universe wasn’t going to let him forget about Lance any time soon. Maybe it was the smile Lance always seemed to have on his face, the one that made Keith’s heart flutter, even if he’d never say it out loud. Or it was the freckles dotted all over Lance, that you had to get closer to Lance to see. It could’ve been his blue eyes - blue like the ocean early in the morning in New England, or the blueberries he grew up around. But Lance was too nice to Keith, nearing the point where Keith got pissed at him on a semi-daily basis. They argued with each other to make it all work itself out. It wasn’t Lance’s fault that Keith couldn’t blur him out, and forget about his existence entirely. That was how Keith did things, and he never had a problem with this method. Keith’s one issue with it was how damn lonely he got, and he knew he’d fuck any friendship he attempted to make at this point.

Which led to Keith, mid-crisis and a little drunk, texting Lance at some time past one in the morning.

 

keith “queef” cocaine: hey, are you up? maybe?

keith “queef” cocaine : oh fuck it’s too late for someone to be awake awake isnt it?

 

_lance “loser” mclame is typing…_

lance “loser” mclame :  No no I’m totally awake, what’s up?

 

Keith couldn’t stop thinking about how this all would be one big mistake, that when he woke up he’d forget it for a few hours, then see Lance at school and get hit with his impulsive late night choices. But he _had_ to message Lance, and _had_ to do it so late at night, late enough for Lance to fall asleep mid conversation, or not go to bed for another hour if Keith left him on read at any point. Keith did want to know what Lance considered them to be, and he wanted to know how Lance was doing, and he wanted to know why he couldn’t just forget about Lance while he forgot about himself.

 

keith “queef” cocaine : i just started thinking and i didn’t know if you considered us close friends, or friends, or if I was just some dude who you talked to in classes and has been to your house to study and has been around you a lot

keith “queef” cocaine :  and why your smile is so pretty.

keith “queef” cocaine : model level pretty

keith “queef” cocaine : have you ever thought about being a model because you could

lance “loser” mclame : Keith, are you sober right now?

keith “queef” cocaine : i don’t know, are you sober lance

lance “loser” mclame : Dude, do you wanna meet in the park near your house? Or at your house? If you’re drunk enough to ask me if I’m sober right after I asked you, you’re gonna be fucked in the morning and Takashi will be disappointed.

 

Keith found himself sighing, sitting up from his bed. His room was clean enough for Lance to come inside, and Keith for to not have to clean everything in the room. It’s not Lance’s first time over, so it’s not a big deal. They lived close enough, and Lance did offer, so he wouldn’t mind walking the few blocks at night, right?

 

_keith “queef” cocaine is typing…_

keith “queef” cocaine : i’ll unlock the door, just try not to be too loud getting to my room pls, i don’t need Shiro to know i’m still up. he’d be “disappointed to see me like this again”

After he sent that, it still took Keith’s head a minute to fully process that he invited Lance over, in the middle of the night, while he wasn’t very sober and already made enough bad choices. Keith managed to get up and pulled on the nearest shirt. He didn’t bother to look at it much, just check to see if it smelled clean, or was stained. Leaving his room made Keith realize that he should be asleep, and it’s a Tuesday and he has classed in seven hours, and Lance must’ve known this before offering to come over to his apartment.

Almost as soon as Keith got back to his room, he took another sip of his drink off of instinct. Keith didn’t _want_ to have drank it, but here he was. Keith laid down on his bed again, and checked his phone. 2:17, and Lance was almost there by now. Not even five minutes passed, and a figure walked into his partially-lit bedroom. He wasn’t aware of the smile on his face when he saw Lance appear, but he was painfully aware of the smile that Lance had.

“Hey, Keith,” Lance closed the door behind him with ease, and sat on the end of Keith’s bed. “How do you feel? Do you need some water?” Lance offered Keith, which made Keith nod in response.

“I feel like I’ll regret almost every choice I've ever made when I wake up.” Keith wasn't fully slurring his words,  Lance had expected worse out of him tonight. Keith drunk texts him a lot, but this one seemed worse in Lance’s eyes. This time, it mattered more to Lance. “But, I feel decent. I haven’t gotten sick yet, and unlike last time, I’m fully clothed.” Keith added, and scooted over so Lance could have more room. Keith hadn’t thought about how close they really were, and it would still slip his mind tonight. What Keith said just made Lance chuckle, though, and smile to himself. And Keith loved that smile, so damn much.

“That’s good, but why’d you text me in the middle of the night this time? You were talking about our friendship, and my smile being super pretty, and you said I should be a model, even though you’re fully aware I’ve done that before and that I _am_ a model.” Lance said. Oh no, now was the time Keith had to face reality. He hadn’t thought about actually having to talk about what he was thinking that felt so urgent that he just _had_ to text Lance about it.

“Did I say all that? Fuck,” Keith groaned, and laid back onto his bed. “I’m sorry, I’m thinking too much, Shiro said I shouldn’t drink this much because I get like this and he thinks I make bad choices when I’m drunk.” Keith ran one of his hands through his hair, and stayed down. He didn’t want to have to look Lance in the eyes right now, even though Keith knew how much he loved Lance’s eyes. “I just got thinking, and thinking, and thinking, and thinking. And I couldn’t figure it out. Why you? Why were you the only other person I’d talk to, and the only other one who has been allowed to get even remotely close to me, and the more I remember and think about you, the more I end up losing myself. Funny thing is, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I keep losing myself in something, and then everything goes to a blur, except you. You’ve stayed in my head, and I can’t seem to get you out. And I hate it.

“But really, I don’t hate it at all. I’m so confused, because I don’t know what this is, or why it’s happening, but it’s not going away anytime soon, and it doesn’t look like you are either.” Keith yawned mid-speech, and shook his head sideways to dismiss what he was going on about from his head. “Either way, it’s confusing me a lot.”

Keith didn’t want to face whatever Lance was going to say, and was almost thankful he felt his stomach acting up on him. Keith bolted out of the room and to the bathroom down the hall, and Lance didn’t need ask why. He knew it’d happen sooner or later tonight, and Lance was just relieved he was here to make sure Keith drank water and rested soon after. Lance has this part of Keith almost memorized, and Keith hasn’t realized that. After it sounded like the worst of it was done, Lance knocked on the bathroom door gently.

“Hey, I’ve got you a water for when you’re done. Or for now, if you need. Can I come in?” Lance spoke in a hushed voice, making sure he heard Keith’s okay to walk in before doing so. Keith was still hunched over the still-flushing toilet, and he felt Lance sit on the floor next to him. Keith didn’t push him away, even if part of his brain was yelling at him to.

When Keith’s stomach was completely empty, he looked back to Lance. He didn’t seem fazed by any of this, or grossed out, or like Keith was a pain to him. And that in itself made Keith happy, seeing someone not annoyed by any of his self-damaging habits. Without any words, Lance got Keith to stand, and got him back in his bedroom and to his bed. Keith downed the water, and chose not to think about what Lance would say. Lance wouldn’t just forget what Keith had said before, and would certainly not leave it unaddressed. Finally breaking the mostly-comfortable silence, Lance spoke up.

“Keith, I didn’t know I really had a strong presence in your life. I didn’t think I was the only person—” Lance heard something loud from outside, and jumped up a little. “— the only person you didn’t totally ignore. I really don’t know what that feeling is, though. Hell, I can barely sort out my own emotions.” Lance found himself pausing when he heard Keith yawn again, and saw him crawl under his comforter. “But, Keith, I promise I’m not gonna leave you unless you want me to. I’m gonna be here when you text me, when you’re drunk as can be, and I’m going to pick up like I always do, and then I’ll figure it out as I go.” Lance’s words made it to Keith’s brain, but they wouldn’t all process right until the morning. Keith just nodded, and gave Lance a sleepy smile in return.

“Will you stay the night here with me? There’s room on my bed, or we can go to the couch, and Shiro won’t mind, I promise.” Keith was aware of what he was doing for once, and he knew this, just like everything else he does, could easily go wrong...  or, for once, it could go incredibly right. Keith moved over to make room on his bed while Lance thought about his offer. Lance would love to spend the night here with Keith, but Lance hasn’t figured out if Keith will remember all of this tomorrow, or only some and will be angry that Lance stayed. But, Lance decided a grumpy Keith was a risk he was willing to take.

“Yeah, I can stay here tonight.” Lance wasn’t paying attention to anything except Keith at this point, who just nodded and pulled his shirt off, tossing it in the general direction of his laundry hamper across the room. Lance left to the bathroom to take off most of the layers he was wearing, until it was enough to sleep in comfortably, and walked back to Keith’s room. Keith was hardly awake by then, and Lance smiled to himself. He wasn’t even sure when he started falling for Keith, but that whole crush thing wasn’t relevant. Lance slowly turned off the remaining light, and crawled into bed next to Keith like he’d asked him to. After a few minutes of Lance laying on his back, he felt Keith move over to him, almost cuddling the taller boy, which led to Lance wrapping an arm around Keith, rolling over to get to hold him better.

“... It’s a crush, isn’t it?” Keith, after being in complete silence with Lance for almost a half an hour, muttered. He didn’t think Lance was awake, or that Lance would hear him come to that realization, but he did.

 

\----------------------------

 

The next morning, Keith woke up first. At first, he had to wait a minute to take every part of it in. He remembered the night before, which didn’t happen often when he drank. Keith needed to take a moment to look at Lance in the light like this. He looked so calm, and the light from the window lit up his room in the mornings almost perfectly. It looked better than it typically does this morning, with Lance making up most of the view. This was definitely a crush, Keith was certain by now. He didn’t feel the same kind of annoyance that he targeted towards Lance. Keith figured out all the anger wasn’t because of Lance, but because of the impact Lance had, and how Keith hadn’t been ready for any of that.

He waited for Lance to wake up before leaving his bed, which took a shorter time than he imagined it might. Seeing Lance give him a sleepy smile first thing in the morning made his heart flutter, and he left the bed shortly after that. He wanted to get dressed, and make sure he remembers everything that happened last night. After what felt like an anxious eternity to Keith, who was sitting by the coffee table, Lance appeared, fully clothed for the day of school they had ahead. Before Lance could even sit on the couch, Keith blurted out the question he’d been wondering all morning.

“Lance, what did I say last night?” Keith asked.

“You talked about me, actually. You said some things about me not being someone you were able to blur out, and you always could remember me, and it confused you why it was me who you remembered and thought about like that, and before you fell asleep you mentioned a crush on me? I don’t know, that’s what I thought I heard.” Lance responded, and grabbed himself a bowl of cereal. Keith was still processing all of what Lance informed him that he said, and nodded.

“I’m pretty sure I remembered all that, actually.” Keith muttered, and looked back to Lance, then back towards his water. He couldn’t look right at Lance if he was going to tell him that it was true, he just cannot do that to himself. “But yeah, all that was true, if you were wondering, McLame.” Keith said, and started looking around for him backpack. He didn’t look back over for about ten seconds, where he saw Lance frozen in shock.

“Wait wait wait, you’ve had a crush on me? And I’ve had one on you?” Lance looked awestruck almost, like everything was coming together in some crazy who-dun-it scenario.

“ I’m pretty sure that’s what this is. So yeah, I guess.” Keith said, and found all his stuff. He watched as Lance grabbed all his stuff he might’ve left around, and Keith noticed he had brought his schoolbag with him just in case he stayed overnight and would need it the next day. When the two left the apartment and started the walk to their school, Lance asked the question Keith knew would come up.

“So, did you maybe wanna be officially dating?” Lance asked, and those words made Keith implode a little.

“I- I don’t think so, not yet. Maybe just try going on a date. I don’t think I’m gonna be ready to officially date someone for a little while.” Keith responded after a few moments. Keith was still figuring himself out, and Keith is messy. He’d made a mess of him life, and he’s trying to clean it up, but he didn’t want to draw Lance into that mess until it was cleaned up. Or at least, mostly cleaned.

“That’s okay, you don’t have to rush. We’ve got time.” And that response from Lance was what Keith needed. He needed to remember they’ve got time, and he can spare some time to not blur everything out into oblivion and beyond. They have time to figure out what the want, and that’s exactly what Keith needs.

**Author's Note:**

> this wasn't originally for anyone but it's for my boi @lovelylangst on tumbr, they hit 6K the same day i was finishing this so it's destiny or something.
> 
> if anyone wants another part to this say so because i liked writing this?? and maybe it'd be a short series or something???? idk, leave me a comment about if you think that it needs another part(s), or if it's fine the way it is.


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